Wrecking Relationships With Radical Honesty: Expressing Judgments
by Jonathan Drummey

 When I talk with people about living a more authentic life, even a Radically Honest one, I often hear a response like "I tried that, it didn't work." After asking some questions about what happened, I usually hear something like "Well, I told her how I felt about all the time she spent on the computer and how she was being a bad friend and then we had a big argument and haven't spoken since." Or, "I told him how he wasn't open to me or vulnerable with me and then he got angry and broke up with me." Generally, the tone of voice I hear is either subdued or has an edge to it. Either way, the people I talk with certainly don't sound happy about the outcome, and aren't even neutral. Which is no wonder - these folks moved from keeping their usual poisonous BS to themselves or a few close confidantes to more directly sharing their crap with the world, thereby reaching a higher level of dysfunction.

 I say "higher" because these poor suffering souls (are you one of them?) at least got over some amount of withholding and I acknowledge that effort. But they are still carrying around the poison of their judgments, and that shows in their voice, their attitude, their behavior, and their relationships. "But I'm right," you say. "But that's how I feel," you say. "But she's wrong!" you say. "But that's the way it is," you say. And I say, "Ok, now what are you up to?" Then you spin some story about how you've moved on and are creating new relationships and the whole time your voice has that same subdued or edgy tone and I'm not buying your story about having moved on. You are still stuck with your judgments.

 The promise of a Radically Honest life is one filled with more juice, more joy, more love, more tears, more wonder. Part of the admission price is giving up and getting over your judgments. That sounds good, like the "just let go" new age BS. Breathe, light some incense, put some essential oils in your bath and above all stop thinking about that rat bastard boss of yours. Yeah, right, "just let go." For me, getting over judgments is like giving up part of my soul, I kick and scream and holler and cry until I wake up and look around with fresh eyes and a warm heart and wonder, "What the hell was I doing, carrying around that crap for so long?" Judgments are really hard to get rid of because we're biologically set up to want to be right. Our ancestors who decided that the ruffling leaves outside the cave were just the wind blowing got themselves eaten. The paranoids with delusions of lions, tigers and bears who stayed inside the cave - whether there was a predator or not - survived, and passed on their fearful, judging genes. Only nowadays with our big brains sometimes we take our judgments too far and starve to death as shut-ins do, or kill a once-promising relationship and starve ourselves of love.

 All my judgments are delusionary, hypothetical statements about you and my relation to the world that I've created so I can survive. The "truth" that the "evidence" of a particular situation fits my "theory" - my judgments - is only due to me being the witness, the prosecutor, and the judge all at the same time, all in my own head. The accused doesn't stand a chance against the powers of my imagination. Too bad for her. Even worse, though, she's got her own judgments and this time, I'm guilty as charged! And even worse than that, we're both executioners as well! How many times have I terminated a relationship or been fired from one? How many relationships do I have that I want to be different from how they are right now?

 To get over my judgments and change my relationship, all I have to do is get real. Am I willing to make that commitment? Am I willing to do whatever is necessary to give up on my expectations about what the SOB should and should not have done? Am I willing to hang in there with him until I'm complete, until I can look him in the eye and say "I forgive you," and mean it? Am I ready to have to make up a whole new story about who I am and who he is and what happened that doesn't include someone being right or wrong?

 I hope so. If I am willing to get over my judgments, I'm in for one hell of a ride, one that probably has some angry noises, some sad noises, some scared noises, and a whole lot of appreciation, compassion, and love noises. I'll find some whole new ways to make a mess of my relationships, and I'll create even better relationships. I'll move out of surviving into environments where I thrive, and inspire others to do the same. All I gotta do is quit the blame game and join the honesty game.

 [If you want to find out more about getting over judgments, go read  Radical Honesty or wait for the next installment of this series of articles on how to use RH to make a mess of your life.]

 Jonathan Drummey is a Radical Honesty Trainer and soon-to-be-licensed massage therapist looking for bodies and minds to play with. He can be reached at jonathan (at) artisart.org.