Wrecking Relationships with Radical Honesty: Mincing Judgments (for Forgiveness' Sake) by Jonathan Drummey There's a Zen story that warns not to confuse the finger pointing at the moon for the moon itself. They are different entities entirely, just like the judgments expressed in relationships and what is real. A judgment is an opinion, a declaration of how the world is a certain way, or how it should be, or how it ought to have been. The problem with judgments is that the declaration is not the world, the declaration is not reality, the declaration is just a declaration. The judgment is not true, the judgment is not real, it is simply a declaration of opinion, a description of an imagination. "You always watch TV! She's lazy. I work too much. You're a spoiled brat. Liberals are commie-pinko traitors. George W. Bush is a fascist." The judgment has only the loosest connection with reality, as the initial input of my senses leads through the twisted channels of my mind to a conclusion like "You don't love me anymore." The judgment has no independent existence outside of my mind. The judgment is a story, told from the viewpoint of the judge and often condemning the story's subject. The problem with judgments is that we think they are powerful, when they are really secret screams of powerlessness. We think that by telling someone our judgments we can get what we want, and even though that rarely happens we keep on expressing our judgments again and again. "You're too flaky. I'm not good enough. I should exercise more. He's a liar." Judgments are disconnected from reality, from what is so, and therefore have very little power in the world to help us get what we want. Judgments are desperate attempts to put a facade over the anger, hurt and pain stemming from our unmet needs and desires. If the facade is good enough, if you buy my story and believe that you should treat me in the way I "deserve" to be treated, then maybe, just maybe, I won't get hurt again. As human beings we have some pretty fundamental needs - food, water, air, heat, and love are my favorites - and if those needs aren't met then we starve, we suffocate, we atrophy and ultimately, we die. (As creative, modern day human beings we've added to that list of fundamental needs other desires like Norah Jones' latest album, the approval of the cool kids, a good return on our investments, and neo-liberal free market policies for all.) Death being a very powerful motivator, we have tremendous energies available to help us meet our needs, and when our needs aren't met we have hugely powerful reactions. Those reactions - that "air sucked out of my lungs" feeling, the "kicked in the gut" feeling, the "sinking in my stomach" feeling, the "I want to bite your head off" feeling, pain, crying, shouting, kicking and screaming - can be so strong as to be overwhelming. When they are overwhelming, we try to find a safer, easier way to be, so we hide our needs and desires, from ourselves and others, and instead express judgments. So, rather than tell you I'm angry at you for turning on the TV right when you come in the house, and tell you how much I want you to give me a hug and ask me how my day was, and feel all my hurt and rage, I tell you that "You don't love me anymore." And then we get to have an argument about that statement and by the end of the argument you really don't love me anymore and we break up. Sound familiar? If I want to get over my judgments about you, I have to get off my trip about who you are, how you "show up" and what you should do. My judgments are powerless fantasies whose only purpose is to distract me (and you) from my needs, desires and feelings. Instead, I have to acknowledge and experience all those reactions I've been holding back - the emptiness in my belly, tightness in my chest and throat, heat in my cheeks, all the rage I feel when I see that certain look on your face, all of that. Until I can have the apparently overwhelming experience, I'm going to retreat back into judgment, back into anger and hurt, our relationship is going to suffer, and I'm not going to get what I want. I may have to express what I'm feeling in order to have the experience - I might have to tell you that I resent you for that look on your face, to tell you that my chest hurts whenever I think of that comment you made at dinner the other night, to cry when I don't want to appear weak in front of you. If that isn't enough fun, the other task is that I have to acknowledge and own up to what I want from you. We all begin life as extremely demanding creatures - anyone who has been woken up at 3am for a feeding knows this - and though the specifics of our needs and desires might change the inherent strength of our demands does not. I have to get real about how insecure, demanding and controlling I am, how much I want you to do what I want when I want it in the manner I want, with no back talk and no questions. And in that process I have to get real about how you have always done whatever the hell you've done and will continue to do so, whether I want you to or not. And I have to acknowledge and experience all the reactions - like more tightness, more tension, more heat - that come up in relation to that. The payoff for this hell is the experience of forgiveness. Warm, moist, tingly sensations all through my body, a smile on my face and heat in my heart when I look at you. Forgiveness is the afterglow of an orgasm of hurt and anger and fear. When I've forgiven you, you don't have to submit to my judgments, you don't have to change, you don't have to live up to my standards. When I've forgiven you, life gets a lot simpler. I can be much more clear and say, "I want this, do you want it or not?" And if you don't, then I can either change what I want or go get my needs met elsewhere. When I've forgiven you, I'm powerful. I'm not using my energy to make up useless judgments, I'm meeting my needs and creating the world I want. When I've forgiven you, I can love you more and that feels better than anything else in the world. -- Jonathan Drummey rants at http://artisart.org/users/jonathan and can be reached at jonathan (at) artisart.org.