Radical Honesty Rag
Issue 22
December 23, 2003
Radical Honesty Enterprises, Inc.
www.radicalhonesty.com 
1-800-EL-TRUTH

WHAT IS PEACE, ANYWAYS?
By Jonathan Drummey

On Route 2 eastbound just outside of Shelburne Falls, Massachusetts there's a gas station owned by a guy named Joe with one of those towed display signs out front with six inch high bright orange letters. Usually the message on the westbound side of the sign is advertising fishing gear, on the eastbound side the message is more personal, often something about the grandkids or getting old or noting the change of seasons. Humorous, whimsical, thought-provoking or all of the above, I look forward to that stretch of road and probably piss off the people driving behind me as I slow down and read the words. This past week, the sign said "How about letting the spirit *start* on Christmas?"

So, why not let the spirit of peace, harmony, and goodwill towards men begin and run through the whole year? The problem is, most of us don't have much real peace in our relationships, with family, friends, co-workers, or nations. Oh, we often think we have some peace but what we really have is a sort of truce, a sometimes verbal and often nonverbal armistice where the conflict has quieted down but war is still declared. This false peace is the kind that makes getting together for the holidays full of dreadful anticipation, fake smiles, strained conversation, and sighs of relief, and requires heavy doses of antacid, aspirin and alcohol. It's not just the food that makes the gut churn, it's the stress of holding in the tension over Aunt Lilly's bigoted remarks, Dad's continued inability to accept your choice of lifestyle, your anger at cousin Jim for reaching under your dress when you were five -- I'm sure you have your own list, and I'm sure you're not entirely alone in your family with your particular feelings, either. The shared rolling of the eyes across the table when someone sitting at the head or foot makes an outrageous remark, the strained silence after the first greetings have been made and before somebody takes charge and moves people along- all of these events mark a conspiracy of silence, a mutual venture to "keep the peace" that really just moves the war inside, into your gut, heart, and head. This false peace is really no peace at all.

I believe that a truer peace includes relationships that can handle confrontation, that can handle smiling, crying, raised voices and lowered ones, expressions of love and anger and everything besides. A real harmony includes multiple voices sounding their own notes, not just that of the patriarch, matriarch, or whichever asshole has declared himself to be in charge. And goodwill isn't just for those we pity or those who haven't pissed us off lately, but a genuine feeling of warmth in the heart and belly that we work towards feeling for everyone. In my mind, this peace is that of neighbors who will fight tooth and nail on business and still get together for barbeques on the weekends, children who get scraped, bumped and bruised playing rough and tumble games and even when they're picked last on the team still run back out for more as soon as they get patched up, couples who do all the yelling and hollering they have to and still after all these years feel incredibly grateful knowing that tomorrow morning they're going to wake up next to the beautiful person who is standing in front of them now. We get this peace by being active, not passive; by expression, not withholding; by being willing to try something other than our usual neurotic codependent behaviors and being willing to deal with whatever fires come after.

So tell Aunt Lilly you're ready to vomit the next time she says something, tell Dad how grateful you are for his guidance (without it you'd never have made the lifestyle choices you made) along with how miserable you made yourself trying to live up to his expectations, and tell cousin Jim that if he ever does anything like that with anyone ever again you are personally going to rip his hands off and shove them into one of his orifices. And stay in these conversations, past the initial expressions, past the judgements and recriminations and moralisms about what people should and should not have done, what can and can't be said, past the numb feeling in your body, past the tension in your shoulders and chest, past the sick nauseating feelings in your belly, past the shaking and shuddering and quivering and tears until there's warmth in your body, until there's some amount of acceptance and forgiveness and love. Give yourself some real peace for a chance. Give honesty for Christmas! And Hanukhah, Kwanzaa, the solstice, Boxing Day, and beyond. That's the way to keep the spirit of the holidays alive from now and throughout the year!

"But I can't spoil the holidays," you say. But don't they suck already? Haven't a whole bunch of them stretching back to childhood already been spoiled to some degree or another? And is it any wonder that more suicides occur during the holidays than any other time of year? All that repressed fear, sadness and anger have to find an outlet somewhere. Stop repressing yourself and start experiencing yourself. Try a little honesty, and yes, you might get burnt a bit, and you'll feel a hell of a lot lighter and easier and so will those around you. You can get over being burnt, and so can everyone else, too.

Give yourself a different life than the one you have so far, one with more of everything, and especially more joy and love. That's my Christmas wish for you...